I AM NOT NORMAL

“I am not Normal”

I want you to imagine a scenario where you want to enjoy the present moment but suddenly something strikes in your mind and you become anxious. You start to listen to a voice in your head telling you about what’s wrong and what’s right, what’s good and what’s not, what you can do and what you can’t. And by the voice, I don’t mean any hallucinations or any kind of delusion.

Well yeah! that’s absolutely normal sometimes but what if that continues. And you have to spend your whole fucking day like that and even up to 2 to 3 hours a day. What if I say I have lived and living every day of my life exactly like that or maybe sometimes even worse. Up to this point at least many of you have figured out that I have an anxiety disorder.

Yes, you are correct. I have one. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD). And this ‘beast’ is fucking my brain for almost about 15 years as clearly as I remember. I prefer calling it a beast’ because sometimes when your mind is messing with you, you can just say ‘stop beast’ which is better than saying ‘stop obsessive-compulsive disorder’. That would be so funny. And also because I want it to sound more like an ugly creature.

My ‘beast’ is fully grown up now and ready to devour me. Most people think that OCD is only about cleaning hands, washing, fear of germs, check repeatedly but that not true. It can occur in various forms but typically consists of intrusive, irrational thoughts, images, anxiety which you want to avoid or neutralize. For that, you do certain rituals unless you feel ‘just right’. I don’t feel it necessary to tell you the details of my obsessions and rituals but I can clearly tell you how it is like so if anyone out there is reading this I want them to know they are not alone.

I am a robot, a human who have turned into some machine who obeys the ‘beast’. I don’t feel anything sometimes, so numb. Although I smile a lot and love to have fun but at the end of every day and every laughter, there is something missing. Some part of me who is so eager to get out. Crying for help, who have been captive for a long time.

I remember one song that exactly fits to my condition

I have seen dark before,

But not like this this is cold, this is empty, this is numb

The life I knew is over, the lights are out

Hello, darkness, I am ready to succumb

I follow you around, I always have

But you have gone to a place I cannot find

This grief has gravity, it pulls me down

But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone

But you must go on.

‘You must go on’. But how? Every day, every moment I fight for my sanity. Try to be normal. Honestly, I have forgotten what normal people should do. Sometimes I observe other people how they are placing their hands, how they are doing their works without washing hands and try to imitate them. My beast was not so aggressive a few years ago. It all grew so suddenly. Yeah, so sudden.

I couldn’t stop it or maybe I tried to hard to stop it. Since then, symptoms started to get worse. But I tried. At last, the beast won. My hope was small, some part of me got lost and excitement about life was gone. My aims, my self-esteem, my confidence all began shattering. I became a cripple with well-working limbs but a damaged mind. All began to behave as if I have some communicable disease.

I could clearly see the sympathy, the questions, and then laugh in their eyes. Yet, they are the ones who post about mental health. Fuck off. It’s very easy to say’hold on’ but that’s what I am doing for years. Holding on. I hope sometimes it can be depressing, everyone can have it but not everyone can handle it.

It’s like you give yourself hope every day and you end up getting hurt. That’s when you start losing hope. You get afraid of keeping hope, knowing that you will get nothing at the end. When something repeats in your life so often then it becomes your habit and eventually ‘your fate’.Crying becomes your daily routine.

The worst part about OCD is, depression becomes your best friend. Buy one, get one free. And with depression comes suicidal thoughts. I have that type of thought every day. But I don’t have guts to do that though I have tried sometimes but was not ‘perfect attempt’.

Everyone thinks a coward commits suicide. They don’t have the courage to deal with their shit. But that’s not true. They love their family, their life as much as all do. But they are just tired of dealing with sames hit over and over again and getting the same results, tired of fooling themselves that one-day everything thing will be all right, fed up with this world. And they are just impatient for redemption and maybe killing themselves is the only choice. At last,’Please, leave me alone’ I said. And my ‘beast’ replied ‘My dear, that’s not going to happen’.

-Dr.Divya Shrestha 

National Medical College

Birgunj Nepal